Archive for the ‘Humor & Culture’ Category

 

Somebody Needs to Introduce Anthony Weiner to Snapchat

Wednesday, July 24th, 2013

That is all.

 
 

Hipsters, Wiggers and Goths

Saturday, March 16th, 2013

So I’ve been giving a lot of thought to hipsters, wiggers and goths. I’ve concluded that these groups exist on a continuum, with small overlaps in between. Let’s explore each of these groups, their overlaps, and then conclude with a Venn diagram.

Let’s start with hipsters. Deliberately ironic, mustache wearing PBR drinking cool kids, generally insufferable, and generally white. Wiggers, of course, are white kids who try to act and dress like black inner city rappers. Their overlap? Well, one ironic overlap is that the word “hipster” was the 1940′s equivalent of the word “wigger”. But the real overlap? Nerdcore of course, white hipsters rapping about things like math and dungeons and dragons. It’s a small contingent, obviously, but there they are.

Goths claim to take everything so seriously that they are depressed all the time. Wearing all black and often black and white makeup to emphasize just how depressed they are. They seem to believe that they are the only authentic voice in a world of phonies. They are, in effect, Holden Caufield in makeup. But combined with wiggers and who do they become? Juggalos, wiggers in black and white clown makeup obsessed with the Dark Carnival, a sort of purgatory.

But what happens when you cross Goths with Hipsters? I struggled with this for a while, because Goths are so deadly serious, and hipsters, well, not so much. But after a while I realized that combining the two creates the Steampunk, a guy obsessed with esoterica from a more gothic age. The Steampunk gets to dress up like a goth and act serious, but about totally frivolous things, imagining a world where everything is run by steam. It is the ultimate hipster/goth fusion.

Which of course brings us to the final combination, the so-called theoretical Steampunk-Nerdcore-Juggalo. What is this creature exactly? Does he sport a mustache? Does he homebrew? Does he rap? The one thing we can be absolutely certain of with respect to this person:

HipGothWigalos.001

He is white.

 
 

Even MORE Daylight Savings Time

Friday, March 15th, 2013

So Daylight Savings Time has occurred again. Even earlier this year. It seems that they keep pushing it back further and further. I suppose some form of energy savings is the so-called goal. But it’s not spring yet, either according to the solar calendar or even just colloquially. It’s still cold out. Daylight Savings Time seems to take up 9 months of the year now making it the norm, and Standard Time the interlude. That was never supposed to be the case. My feeling is always been that if people want to get up earlier in the summer, then just go ahead and do it. There is no need to mess with everybody’s clock to get up earlier. But the powers that be keep pushing and pushing. Soon enough we’ll barely have a few weeks of standard time between Thanksgiving and New Years. It’s unacceptable. We need an alternative to the desire to keep pushing the envelope of Daylight Savings Time.

The answer, I think, lies in an additional Daylight Savings Time.

That’s right. We have Daylight Savings time from before the Spring Equinox until after Halloween now. But what we really need is a second daylight savings time, one in which we move the clocks forward a second hour, between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Look, two daylight savings times isn’t going to be significantly better than one, but if we don’t give the daylight savings time fanatics something else to mess with, eventually, they’ll keep pushing the boundaries of daylight savings time, until they cross over in the other direction, with daylight savings time ending before it even begins. That concept is entirely intolerable.

So let’s give them another hour in the actual summer. Keep them busy with something else. What do you think?

 
 

Overdue Papal Blogging

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

So due to my previous status as interim pope, a number of readers and friends have contacted me to ask if I intended to become pope again, and if I had any thoughts on the resignation of Pope Benedict. Well, I finally have a few minutes to myself uninterrupted, so I thought I would address these concerns.

First of all, I am now married with children, which I believe precludes me from becoming pope of any sort, interim or otherwise. But even if I were able to become pope, there is no need for an interim pope because the current Pope will apparently reign until the new pope is selected. So the question itself is moot, unless I suppose Benedict dies suddenly.

The larger question is what to make of the resignation of the Pope. Many people have conspiracy theories, mostly revolving around blackmail about what Benedict knew about the child rape scandals that have plagued the church in recent decades. I doubt that these theories have much merit. I suspect that Benedict is old and tired as he says. But his resignation goes deeper than that. His resignation directly involves the Prophecy of St. Malachy.

I have written previously about the prophecy. Let us review:

It’s gotta be tough predicting the future, via psychic means, that is. I mean surely, the further out into the future you try predicting, the more hazy the future must become. No wonder so many prophets use coded language like quatrains to try and describe what they’re seeing. It’s because they’re not really sure what they’re seeing in the first place. It’s no different than trying to gaze over long distances, where two objects standing next to each other may appear to be one.

And so undoubtedly it was with St. Malachy, who famously prophecized about every pope from his own time until the last pope ever. The funny thing is that his list has basically run out. Going sequentially from his time forward, Pope Benedict XVI is the penultimate pope, the so-called Olive Pope.

The previous pope was “De labore Solis”, or “Of the Labour of The Sun”. This correlates to Pope John-Paul II because he was born and died on a solar eclipse. The penultimate pope is described as “De Gloria Olivae” or “glory of the olive”. This has been interpreted in a number of different ways, including that the pope would hail from an olive growing region of the world, or that he would be olive skinned or even black. None of these adequately describe the current pope, though he did place an image of a Moore on his papal crest, a piece of iconography that comes form his home town in Germany.

I went on to posit that Malachy got his final pope confused with that of the President of the United States, Barack Obama, who would, according to the prophecy, be overthrown by “Petrus Romanus”, or General David Petraeus. With Petraeus out of government entirely, it seems unlikely that he could conduct such a coup, though I suppose he could raise an army Aaron Burr style, theoretically. No, what I suspect is that Benedict, knowing the prophecy well, knew damned well that he wasn’t the Glory of the Olive, and decided to step aside to let the correct pope take his place.

Benedict’s only real connection to the prophecy is the Moor he placed on his papal crest, a weak connection at best. And his selection as pope was generally a surprise. In a Catholic Church that is now predominantly southern hemispheric, choosing an elderly German because he gave a nice funeral oratory for the previous pope hardly seems like a wise move. In fact, Benedict himself must have been surprised by it, and felt it impulsive. And after 5 years of it, at his advanced age, he could pretend no further. He was never meant to be pope, and so he called it quits.

In short, Rob Sama was never the interim pope, Benedict was.

And so I suspect that the Church will now obtain its true Glory of the Olive, a dark skinned pope from the Southern Hemisphere who will be able to address the issues most important to the majority of its congregants, whether it be Mormon and Evangelical encroachments into Latin America, or Islamic incursions into Africa. The new pope will be younger, more energetic, and attuned to the issues facing the Church in the Southern Hemisphere.

The bigger question, to my mind, is does Benedict get to participate in the new conclave, or does he sit it out?

 
 

The Giving Of Thanks

Wednesday, November 21st, 2012

And so it was, yea verily, when some 5,000 years ago, or so, as there are some disputed among theologians, the Earth was born. And some seven days after the birth of the Earth, all the plants and animals had been born. Mankind was vegetarian, of course. And by mankind we mean the only two of the human species who cohabited the Earth with every animal that ever existed, dinosaurs included. They lived in Missouri. At some point, the first man and woman decided that they wanted knowledge of how the world worked, which the acquired not by observation of the world around them, nor by hunting and eating meat and growing their brains, but rather by eating from a magic tree. And upon gaining said knowledge, they noticed that their genitals were exposed, and that they enjoyed eating meat. So they set forth, and populated the Earth.

A small tribe of people, who existed at the nexus of three major continents, Asia, Africa and Europe, was made up of some 13 tribes, some of whom departed from their homeland never to return. As it turns out, those very people were the original settlers of the American continents. In their homeland they were known as the Jews. In their new land, they became the Nephites and the Lamanites. One of them was white, and they got eliminated by the dark skinned Jews, who had completely lost their way with the Lord. At some point, the last white man alive in North America (before the arrival of Columbus) wrote down the history of these lost Jews on gold tablets, ad buried them in the hills of upstate New York.

Some 128 years after Columbus became the first non-Jewish white man to set foot in the Americas, religious zealots from England landed in Massachusetts. They nearly died in their first winter, but the Jews, who the pilgrims thought were from India, helped show them how to farm the land, and thus they had a bounteous feast that year. The centerpiece of their meal was a bird that the English speaking peoples had mistakenly named believing it has originated in the Ottoman Empire. This is the bird that we typically eat this time each year.

Some 210 years after the pilgrims arrived in North America, a man named Joseph Smith discovered the tablets buried by the last white North American Jew/Indian, and he launched the only true church according to the wished of Jesus Christ, all others being an abomination. Joseph Smith himself ran for President of the United States, as sort of a theocratic candidate. He lost obviously, but not before he made a prophecy: that someday the US Constitution would be “hanging by a thread” and that it would be a member of his Church who would become president, and set things right.

Almost 200 years later, the US Supreme Court declared that the power to tax includes the power to tax not for the purpose of raising revenue to act upon its enumerated powers (as the constitution says), but rather that it can be used to compel behavior in the citizenry. The case which was being decided was over a bill designed to eventually socialize the medical care industry, such socialism being well outside the framework of the Constitution or the thinking of any of the framers.

And so it came to pass that a Mormon was running for president, just at that moment, when the constitution was hanging by a thread. But alas, something was amiss. This Mormon had himself implemented a miniature version of this form of socialism in the state in which he was governor. And when running in the primaries, he had said that he didn’t want to repeal the offensive law, but just to fix the most offensive portions of it. And after obtaining the nomination, rather than going hard against the man after whom the legislation is colloquially named, he went hard after the most strict constitutionalist in the Republican party, the Ron Paul acolytes, who were playing by the rules to gain positions in the party to prepare for an eventual Rand Paul presidential run. Got that? Going against the man who is eviscerating the constitution, use kid gloves. Going against the Ron Paul folks, go for blood. Perhaps they weren’t white and delightsome enough for him.

Eric Fehrnstrom, the Mormon candidate’s campaign manager or whatever you want to call him, was so devoted to the Mormon candidate that he was fond of saying to the rest of the staff that they should all feel privileged, thankful even, to have had the opportunity to work with such a great man.

Whatever.

So what am I thankful for this year? That we’re rid of that douchebag once and for all.

 
 

Phone

Thursday, September 27th, 2012

If you’re wondering what this is about, watch here.

 
 

My New Persona: @MrElectable

Sunday, March 11th, 2012

Please follow my new Twitter persona, @MrElectable

 
 

Super-Lai

Friday, March 9th, 2012

Some time ago, I posted a list of top-ten songs I wanted to see covered by Laibach. The time has come to amend said list.

The song I want to add to the list is the theme song to the show Super Why. You can watch below:

As you can see, it makes perfect sense that this song be added to the list. Moreover, It also makes sense that the song wasn’t on the list previously, as it didn’t exist at the time that the original list was published.

 
 

Don’t They Look Adorable Together?

Monday, November 28th, 2011

lovers

So cute…

 
 

Loosey Lew Loo

Wednesday, October 19th, 2011

So my oftentime muse pointed me to the following article today:

An actress has sued Amazon.com for more than $1m (£639,000) after her age was posted on its Internet Movie Database.

The unnamed actress says the website misused her legal date of birth after she signed up to the IMDbPro service in 2008.

She says revealing her age on the site will lose her acting opportunities.[...]

The actress – referred to in court documents by the placeholder name Jane Doe – lives in Texas, is of Asian descent and has an Americanised stage name.

My muse speculated that the actress in question was Lucy Liu. I suppose that’s a reasonable supposition. I asked him if I had ever told him my thoughts on Lucy Liu. He said I had not. So I shared them with him, and now I share them with you.

So, I always imagined that Lucy Liu had a porn double, a frumpy, dumpy British woman who would go by the stage name “Loosey Loo”. In British parlance, the “Loo” is a synonym for a toilet. Loosey Loo would engage in scatological porn, specializing in excreting loose poos onto her beta male British partners. She would have a horrendous cockney accent as well.

So I endeavored to find the right picture of Loosey Loo on the Internet. This was the best I could come up with (pic #2), but my muse found this news article, the subject of which makes for a much better fit.

I hope you all think differently of Lucy Liu from now on. Hopefully, I’ve opened your eyes to some alternate possibilities.

Postscript: Incidentally, when Googling around for “fat drunk British chicks”, I kept bumping into variants of this article, which read, “Are British women fat and unkempt? This American man says so …” I found that to be a strange characterization. It has always been my perception that British women veer towards the extremes of weight, both towards elephantine obesity and towards Biafran skeletal thinness. From Jennifer Patterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright on the one hand, to Princess Diana and Kate Whatshername on the other. To illustrate my understanding of weight distribution amongst British women, I have made the following handy graph:

I hope that clears things up a bit.

UPDATE: I have since been informed that the spelling is “Loo” and not “Lew”. The body of teh entry has been corrected to reflect this understanding.