Supermarkets Suck

So I’ve had to hit the supermarket a few times this week, mostly to replenish myself with orange juice. And in the process I’ve discovered a few things.

First off, those stupid little bar codes that they make people use in order to get the real price for things are completely unnecessary. Just go to a non-self checkout line, and when they ring the first item up which has a difference in price for people who get the bar-code key-chains, interrupt the woman as if she’s trying to cheat you and exclaim, “Hey wait! That’s not the price it said on the label!” She’ll immediately pull out her own bar code, swipe it under the scanner, and fix the price, as well as the prices for everything else you buy. So what’s the fucking point of the stupid bar code key-chain, you might ask. Beats the fuck out of me, except when I first went to the supermarket this week, and bought two jugs of OJ at the self checkout line, I paid twice as much as I should have. Motherfuckers. Last time I make that mistake.

But the bar code isn’t the only way that the supermarket is scheming to bring the white man down. Go walk through the spice isle. Herbs and spices will run between $3 and $5 per bottle. The major brand is McCormick’s, though there are others like Spice Island. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think that that was the price, right? Well wrong! Just two isles down, in the Latino isle there are spices from Goya and Badia that are one half to one fifth the price! See, they think that putting an “Mc” in front of the name means you can charge twice as much for the product than if it has a vowel at the end of the name. Motherfuckers. Well, I may not be Latino, but as an Italian with a vowel at the end of my last name, I feel I’m swarthy enough to go to the Latin isle and thereby forgo the “white ass surcharge” that Stop & Shop feels entitled to inflict on unsuspecting white people.

So I go to the supermarket today because I’ve been meaning to pick up some of those Swiffer pads for dusting, as there’s altogether too much dust in my apartment that won’t seem to go away, no matter how many times I vacuum. So I head on in, and I decide I’d like to pick up a bag of Doritos to eat while I watch the game tonite. So I head down to the snack isle, and lo and behold, a large bag of Doritos is approaching $5. That’s about $3 per pound. What the fuck are these people thinking? I get angry and storm up and down the snack food isle, looking for something else that may be cheaper while still fulfilling my need to relive my childhood by eating lots of Doritos. Nothing fit the bill, and what’s worse, everything else looked to be about as expensive, even potato chips. Where do these people get off? What the fuck is so difficult about taking a potato, which wholesale costs pennies, throwing it through a slicing machine, deep frying it for 20 seconds and sealing it in a bag? Why should that process, which costs a total of $0.23 cost me $3.50? That’s completely insane and entirely unwarranted! So after a while, I notice a Stop & Shop brand bag of something called “Gustados” at about 1/2 the price of the Doritos. So I bought those instead. Now that I’m home I can report to you that they taste EXACTLY THE SAME as Doritos. So where the fuck does Frito Lay get off charging so much? Whatever.

I swear, having an ounce of manufacturing knowledge will drive you insane when buying products. Do you know what Wal*Mart does when you come in with a new product to sell? If it’s made of plastic, they weigh it on a scale, and then announce to you that the plastic only costs so many pennies, so why should they pay you any more than that? They’re right you know. The only reason why these assholes charge so damn much in Waltham is that the closest Wal*Mart is miles away in Framingham.

So finally I go to get my Swiffer thingeys. I get to the isle, and there’s a cornucopia of facsimiles of the same product. Now the Swiffer brand shit cost about $8, but there was a Stop & Shop brand that cost about $4. I debated what to do, but in the end I decided to but the Swiffer brand. I just couldn’t fathom paying $4 for the Stop & Shop brand if it didn’t work at least 1/2 as good as I knew the Swiffer brand worked. It’s one thing to take a gamble on a bag of chips. But now that I think about it, I probably should have gotten the Stop & Shop brand. After all, their version of Doritos were EXACTLY THE SAME. Whatever.

So what’s the point of all this? Shit, I dunno. Just that the supermarket is always trying to rip you off, so you have to be on guard. It’s fucking war out there. And I intend to fight.


Leave a Reply